Sibling Support Guide

😕 Confusion

• "Why does my brother act that way?"
• "Why do the rules seem different for them?"
• "Why do they get so much attention?"
• "Is it my fault they're like this?"

😠 Resentment & Jealousy

• "Everything revolves around them"
• "They get away with everything"
• "My needs don't matter as much"
• "I wish I could have meltdowns and get what I want"
• "I'm always expected to be the 'good one'"

😞 Sadness & Loss

• "I wish we could play together normally"
• "I'm embarrassed to bring friends home"
• "I can't do activities because of my sibling's needs"
• "Our family life feels different from everyone else's"

😰 Worry & Fear

• "What will happen to them when they grow up?"
• "Will I have to take care of them?"
• "What if I have kids like this?"
• "What if something happens to Mum and Dad?"

💪 Pride & Protectiveness

• "I understand them in ways others don't"
• "I'll defend them if anyone is mean"
• "I'm proud of what they've achieved"
• "We have a special bond"

⏰ 1. Individual Time & Attention

• What it looks like: Regular one-on-one time where they're the sole focus
• How much: Aim for 15-30 minutes daily, plus weekly "special time" (1-2 hours)
• Quality over quantity: Phones away, fully present, doing what they want
• Protect it: This time is sacred – don't cancel unless absolute emergency

🗣️ 2. Open, Honest Communication

• Age-appropriate explanations: Help them understand their sibling's condition
• Permission to feel: "It's okay to feel frustrated/jealous/sad"
• Safe space to vent: They need to express negative feelings without guilt
• Acknowledge reality: Don't minimize with "they can't help it" – validate the impact on them

⚖️ 3. Fair (Not Equal) Treatment

• Explain the difference: "Fair means everyone gets what they need, not that everything is the same"
• Accommodate them too: If sibling gets fidgets, they can have some too
• Their needs matter: They're not just "the easy one" who can handle being neglected
• Special considerations: They get accommodations for their needs too (even if different)

🛡️ 4. Protection & Safety

• Physical safety: Not having to tolerate hitting, kicking, or destruction of their belongings
• Emotional safety: Their sibling's meltdowns shouldn't dominate all family life
• Space for themselves: Bedroom or area that's their sanctuary
• Right to say no: Don't force them to include sibling in every activity

🎊 5. Their Own Identity

• Not defined by sibling: They're not "X's sister/brother" – they're their own person
• Their achievements celebrated: Not overshadowed by sibling's needs or struggles
• Their interests supported: Activities, hobbies, friendships independent of sibling
• Normal childhood: They deserve age-appropriate experiences and fun

🧩 Age-Appropriate Explanations

Ages 3-5:

"Everyone's brain works a bit differently. Your brother's brain finds some things harder, like loud noises or stopping an activity. That's why he sometimes gets upset. It's not your fault, and we're helping him learn."

Ages 6-9:

"Your sister has autism/ADHD, which means her brain processes things differently. Things like sudden changes or loud places can feel overwhelming to her, which is why she might have meltdowns. She's not trying to be difficult – her brain genuinely works differently. We all need different support for our brains."

Ages 10-13:

"Your brother has ADHD/autism. This is a neurodevelopmental condition, which means his brain is wired differently. It affects how he processes information, manages emotions, and controls impulses. It's not an excuse for bad behavior, but it does mean he needs different strategies and support. Just like someone who needs glasses sees differently, his brain experiences the world differently."

Ages 14+:

Provide accurate medical information, share resources, be open about challenges. Teens can handle complexity: "Yes, it's frustrating. Yes, they can work on their behavior. Also yes, their brain genuinely makes certain things harder. All of these things can be true."

💬 What TO Say

• "It makes sense that you're frustrated"
• "You're allowed to feel angry about this"
• "It's not fair that your things got broken, and I'm sorry"
• "I can see how hard this is for you"
• "Your feelings matter just as much"
• "Tell me what would help right now"
• "You're not being mean or bad for feeling this way"

🚫 What NOT to Say

• "They can't help it" (dismisses sibling's experience)
• "You're older, you should know better" (unfair burden)
• "At least you don't have autism/ADHD" (invalidating)
• "Stop being selfish" (punishes normal feelings)
• "You're lucky" (gaslighting – they don't feel lucky)
• "Be grateful" (toxic positivity)
• "You're fine" (dismissive)

🚪 Sacred Spaces

• Own bedroom if possible: Their safe space where sibling needs permission to enter
• Lock for belongings: Lockbox, locked drawer, or high shelf for special items
• Headphones/quiet space: Somewhere to retreat during sibling's meltdowns
• Schedule separate activities: Time when they're not responsible for being around sibling
• Friends without sibling present: Playdates, parties where sibling isn't there

⚖️ Fairness Without Equality

• Make accommodations visible: "Your sister gets extra time because her brain needs it. You get [your accommodation] because that's what helps you"
• Celebrate their strengths: Not in comparison, but genuinely
• Don't expect perfect behavior: They're allowed to have bad days too
• Occasional "yes" days: Where they get special treatment (ice cream, staying up late, choosing dinner)
• Acknowledge sacrifices: "I know you had to leave the park early because of your brother. That wasn't fair to you. Let's plan something special for just us."

🛡️ When Sibling is Aggressive

• Safe word/signal: Code word they can say to get your immediate attention
• Exit plan: They know where to go when sibling is melting down (their room, neighbor, relative's house)
• Phone access: Old phone or way to reach you if you're in another room
• Never their job to manage: Make it clear they're not responsible for sibling's behavior
• Consequences for sibling: If they damage sibling's belongings, there are real consequences (replace/repair/loss of privileges)

🚫 Caregiving Responsibilities

• Managing meltdowns: Not their job to calm, de-escalate, or fix sibling's emotional regulation
• Supervising constantly: They're not the babysitter (occasional help is fine; constant expectation is not)
• Translating/advocating: Shouldn't have to explain sibling's behavior to others
• Therapy support: Not responsible for implementing behavioral strategies
• Missing their activities: Their events shouldn't be regularly skipped for sibling's needs

🚫 Emotional Support for Parents

• Being your confidant: Don't vent about how hard parenting their sibling is
• Reassuring you: Not their job to make you feel better about struggles
• Taking sides: Don't put them in middle of parent disagreements about sibling
• Being "the easy one": Shouldn't be pressured to never cause problems because sibling is "enough"

🚫 Sacrificing Their Childhood

• Giving up dreams: Their aspirations shouldn't be limited by sibling's needs
• Canceling plans repeatedly: Occasional adjustments are life; constant cancellations are harmful
• Being embarrassed constantly: Should be able to have friends over, go places
• Feeling guilty for success: Can excel without feeling bad their sibling struggles

🎒 Supporting Siblings at School

• Inform teachers: Brief conversation about sibling dynamic (without oversharing)
• Separate classes if possible: Let them have their own identity
• Don't assume they'll help: School shouldn't expect them to supervise/translate
• Check in about teasing: "Do kids say anything about your brother?"
• Prepare responses: "What do you say if someone asks why your sister does X?"
• Their achievements matter: Attend their events with same enthusiasm

💬 Response Scripts for Kids

"Why does your brother act weird?"

• Simple: "He has autism. His brain works differently."
• Boundary: "That's personal, but he's not trying to be annoying."
• Deflect: "He's just my brother. Want to play football?"

"Is it contagious?"

• "No, it's how he was born. Like having brown eyes or being tall."

"Your sister is so annoying/weird"

• Assertive: "Hey, that's my sister. Not cool."
• Educate: "She has ADHD. She's not trying to be annoying."
• Report: If it's bullying, tell a teacher. They don't have to handle it alone.

👫 Making Friends Easier

• Neutral territory: Arrange playdates at parks, activity centers, friend's house
• When friends visit home: Have plan for sibling (occupied elsewhere, or included only if sibling wants)
• Prepare friends: If friend will meet sibling, brief warning: "My brother is autistic and might seem different, but he's cool"
• Exit strategy: If sibling's behavior disrupts, have backup plan (move to different room, go out)
• Normalize their life: They deserve friendships that aren't constantly impacted by sibling

🧸 What They Need

• Simple explanations: "Your sister's brain makes loud noises feel really big and scary"
• Reassurance it's not their fault: Young kids often think they caused sibling's condition
• Their toys protected: Safe space for belongings
• Individual attention: Even 10 minutes daily makes huge difference
• Play therapy: Process feelings through play

🎮 What They Need

• More detailed explanations: They can understand more about the condition
• Permission to be embarrassed: Normalize feeling awkward about sibling in public
• Their own activities: Sports, clubs, hobbies separate from family
• Check-ins about feelings: Regular conversations about how they're doing
• Sibling support groups: Connect with other kids in similar situations

🎓 What They Need

• Honest conversations: Including about future responsibilities (are they expected to care for sibling as adults?)
• Independence: Their life shouldn't revolve around sibling's needs
• Dating without complications: Should be able to have romantic relationships without sibling interference
• College/career support: Don't assume they'll stay local to help with sibling
• Therapy access: Professional support to process complex feelings
• Respite from caregiving: If they help out, ensure they get breaks

👥 Long-Term Considerations

• Have "the future talk": What are your expectations for their involvement as adults?
• Legal planning: Guardianship, financial planning, special needs trusts
• Give them choice: They can choose their level of involvement – no guilt
• Acknowledge their sacrifices: Thank them for what they've given up

⚠️ Warning Signs

• Behavioral changes: Acting out, aggression, defiance (unusual for them)
• Anxiety symptoms: Excessive worry, panic attacks, avoidance
• Depression signs: Withdrawal, sadness, loss of interest in activities
• Perfectionism: Intense need to be "perfect" or "good"
• Parentification: Taking on adult responsibilities without being asked
• Social struggles: Difficulty making/keeping friends, isolation
• Academic decline: Grades dropping, losing motivation
• Physical symptoms: Frequent headaches, stomach aches, sleep problems
• Regressive behavior: Baby talk, bedwetting, clinginess (in younger kids)

💚 Types of Support

• Individual therapy: Space to process feelings without guilt or family dynamics
• Sibling support groups: Connect with others who understand (ask at CAMHS, autism charities)
• Family therapy: Work through dynamics as a unit
• School counselor: Support at school for academic/social concerns
• Sibshops: Recreational programs specifically for siblings of children with special needs

🇬🇧 Sibling-Specific Support

• Sibs: UK charity for siblings of disabled children and adults
  Website: sibs.org.uk | Email: hello@sibs.org.uk
• Contact: Support for families with disabled children (includes sibling support)
  Helpline: 0808 808 3555 | Website: contact.org.uk
• Young Minds: Mental health support for children and young people
  Parent Helpline: 0808 802 5544
• Family Lives: Support for all aspects of family life
  Helpline: 0808 800 2222

🎯 The Essentials

• See them as individuals: Not just "the sibling," but a whole person with their own needs, dreams, struggles
• Protect their time with you: Even 15 minutes daily of individual attention matters more than occasional grand gestures
• Validate ALL feelings: Love and resentment, pride and embarrassment – all are allowed
• Let them be kids: Don't parentify. Don't make them "the easy one." Let them have needs too.
• Tell them they matter: Explicitly, regularly. "You matter just as much." "I'm proud of YOU." "I see you."

💭 For Parents

• You won't always balance it perfectly. That's impossible.
• You will sometimes cancel their plans. Apologize and make it up when you can.
• You will be exhausted and not give them your best sometimes. That's human.
• You might not notice they're struggling until it's bad. Forgive yourself and get support.
• Just being aware and trying to do better is already more than many parents do.

✅ This Week

• Schedule 15 minutes daily one-on-one time with neurotypical child
• Have a conversation: "How are YOU doing with everything?"
• Tell them: "You matter to me. I see you. I'm proud of you."
• Protect something they care about (their room, their activity, their belongings)