Supporting neurodivergent wellness through understanding and practical tools
Self-Harm Alternatives Toolkit
Safe Coping Strategies for Overwhelming Emotions
🆘 IF YOU'RE IN CRISIS RIGHT NOW
UK:
• Call 999 if in immediate danger
• Samaritans: 116 123 (free, 24/7)
• Crisis Text Line: Text SHOUT to 85258
• The Mix (under 25): 0808 808 4994
• Papyrus (under 35): 0800 068 4141
• NHS 111: For urgent mental health support
US:
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth): 1-866-488-7386
You deserve support. These people want to help you.
📱 MY EMERGENCY CONTACTS
Fill this out now, keep it accessible:
💜 About This Toolkit
Self-harm is a coping mechanism many people use to manage overwhelming emotions, trauma, or pain. This toolkit offers alternative strategies that can provide relief without causing physical harm. These aren't "better" ways to cope because they're morally superior – they're better because they keep you safe while still addressing your needs.
🧠 No Judgment Here
If you self-harm, you're not "crazy," "attention-seeking," or "weak." You're using the coping skills you have to survive unbearable feelings. This toolkit aims to expand your toolbox, not shame you for what you're currently doing. Recovery isn't linear, and slip-ups don't erase progress.
Important: These alternatives are not substitutes for professional help. If you're struggling with self-harm, please reach out to a therapist, doctor, or counselor. You deserve proper support.
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Understanding Why Self-Harm Happens
🔍 Self-Harm Serves a Function
People don't self-harm "for no reason." It serves specific psychological functions. Understanding YOUR reasons helps identify better alternatives.
Common Functions of Self-Harm
💢 To Release Emotional Pressure
What it feels like: "I'm going to explode," overwhelming intensity, pressure building
What self-harm does: Provides physical release for emotional overwhelm
Alternative focus: Physical release without harm (see page 4)
🧊 To Feel Something (When Numb)
What it feels like: Empty, disconnected, robot-like, nothing feels real
What self-harm does: Creates physical sensation that proves you're alive/real
Alternative focus: Safe intense sensations (see page 5)
⚖️ To Punish Yourself
What it feels like: "I deserve this," self-hatred, guilt, shame
What self-harm does: Physical pain as "payment" for perceived wrongs
Alternative focus: Self-compassion practices, reframing (see page 6)
🎯 To Regain Control
What it feels like: Life is chaotic, powerless, out of control
What self-harm does: One thing you CAN control when everything else feels impossible
Alternative focus: Controllable activities (see page 7)
🌀 To Stop Dissociation/Flashbacks
What it feels like: Spaced out, not in your body, reliving trauma
What self-harm does: Grounds you back in present moment
Alternative focus: Grounding techniques (see page 8)
📣 To Communicate Pain
What it feels like: "No one understands how much I'm hurting"
What self-harm does: Makes internal pain visible externally
Alternative focus: Direct communication methods (see page 9)
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Alternatives: Physical Release
💢 When You Need to Release Pressure
These provide physical release and catharsis without causing lasting harm.
🧊 Ice/Cold Water
Hold ice cubes: In hands until they melt (intense sensation, no damage)
Ice on pulse points: Wrists, neck – strong sensation
Cold shower: Full-body sensory shock
Face in ice water: Activates dive reflex, calms nervous system
Frozen orange: Hold it, squeeze it, smell the zest
🏃 Intense Physical Activity
Sprint: Run as fast as you can until exhausted
Boxing/punching bag: Release aggression safely
Dancing violently: Loud music, thrash around
Wall push-ups: Until muscles burn
Jump/stomp: Hard, repeatedly, until tired
🎨 Destruction (Safe Objects)
Rip paper/cardboard: Shred it, tear it violently
Throw ice at wall/outside: Smash, loud, satisfying
Break sticks: Snap twigs, branches
Crush cans: Stomp on empty drink cans
Scribble violently: Black marker, scribble hard on paper
🗣️ Vocal Release
Scream: Into pillow, in car, in shower
Scream-sing: Loud music, scream the lyrics
Cry hard: Let yourself fully sob
Yell at nothing: Say everything you're feeling, loudly
Why this works: Gives body a way to physically discharge emotional energy. The urge to self-harm often decreases after intense physical release.
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Alternatives: Intense Sensations
🧊 When You Feel Numb and Need to Feel Something
These create strong physical sensations without causing injury.
🌶️ Intense Tastes/Smells
Bite into lemon/lime: Sour shock to system
Chili/hot sauce: Spicy burn (mouth safe version of pain)
Peppermint oil: Dab under nose, very strong smell
Smelling salts: Intense, jarring (get from pharmacy)
Strong mints: Burn your mouth with intensity
❄️ Temperature Extremes
Hold ice until hands ache: Painful but not harmful
Hot shower (not scalding): As hot as tolerable
Wax play (with temperature-safe wax): Research safe methods first
Stand in cold: Go outside in cold weather without jacket (briefly)
🖊️ Safe "Marking" Alternatives
Red marker on skin: Draw where you'd harm (looks like blood, washes off)
Rubber band snap: Wear on wrist, snap against skin (mild sting)
Ice cube on skin: "Burns" but doesn't damage
Press fingernails: Into skin (leaves mark briefly, no damage)
Henna/temporary tattoo: Ritualistic marking without permanence
⚠️ Important: Rubber bands and similar should be *temporary* bridges, not permanent replacements. The goal is eventually not needing physical sensation to cope, but these are safer than cutting/burning while you build other skills.
🎵 Sensory Overload (Controlled)
Loud music: Volume to physical vibration level
Bright flashing lights: (if not epileptic) - overstimulation
Physical pressure: Weighted blanket, tight hug, squeeze own arms hard
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Alternatives: Self-Compassion
💔 When You Feel Like You Deserve Pain
Self-harm as punishment comes from a place of deep self-hatred. These alternatives address the underlying beliefs while keeping you safe.
✍️ Reframing Self-Talk
Write what you'd tell a friend: Would you tell your best friend they deserve to be hurt? What would you say to them instead?
"I'm having the thought that...": "I'm having the thought that I'm worthless" (creates distance from thought)
Challenge the belief: "What evidence is there that I deserve punishment?" Often there isn't any.
Radical acceptance: "I made a mistake. Mistakes are human. I can learn without punishing myself."
🤗 Self-Soothing Instead of Punishing
Physical comfort: Wrap in soft blanket, hold stuffed animal, take warm bath
Gentle touch: Lotion on skin gently, brush your hair softly, massage own hands
Kind words: "I'm struggling, and that's okay. I deserve gentleness."
Do something caring: Make yourself tea, eat something nourishing, rest
📝 Write It Out
Letter to yourself: From the perspective of someone who loves you
Angry letter: To whoever hurt you (don't send) – externalize the anger
List your qualities: Things you like about yourself, times you've been kind
Future self letter: What would you want to tell yourself in 5 years?
🎨 Creative Expression of Pain
Paint/draw your feelings: Abstract, colors, shapes – externalize the pain
Collage: Rip images from magazines that represent your emotions
Poetry/songwriting: Transform pain into art
Movement/dance: Express feelings physically without harm
💭 Remember: You wouldn't be this hard on someone you love. You deserve that same compassion. Self-punishment doesn't make you better – it just makes you hurt more.
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Alternatives: Regaining Control
🎯 When Life Feels Chaotic
If self-harm is about control – controlling ONE thing when everything else is spiraling – these alternatives provide control without harm.
🧹 Organizing/Cleaning
Clean one space thoroughly: Desk, drawer, small area you can complete
Organize by category: Books by color, clothes by type
Throw things away: Declutter, control what stays/goes
Rearrange furniture: Physical control over environment
🎨 Detailed, Controlled Activities
Coloring (complex patterns): Inside the lines, controlled, repetitive
Jigsaw puzzle: Order from chaos, controllable progress
LEGO/model building: Following instructions, predictable outcome
📊 Lists and Plans
To-do list: Even tiny tasks – gives sense of accomplishment/control
Meal plan for week: Control over one aspect of life
Schedule your day: Hour by hour, what you'll do
Goal setting: Small, achievable goals you can control
💪 Body-Based Control
Yoga: Controlling breath, movements
Progressive muscle relaxation: Tensing and releasing muscles deliberately
Counted breathing: 4-7-8 breathing (control over breath/body)
Cold water face dip: Triggers dive reflex you can control
🔄 Why this works: Self-harm provides an illusion of control. These alternatives give you ACTUAL control over something tangible, without the harm. The need isn't wrong – the method is just dangerous. Find safer ways to meet that need for agency.
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Alternatives: Grounding Techniques
🌀 When You're Dissociating or Experiencing Flashbacks
Grounding brings you back to the present moment and your body when you feel disconnected or overwhelmed by trauma memories.
5-4-3-2-1 Technique
Name out loud:
5 things you can see: Look around, describe them
4 things you can touch: Texture, temperature
3 things you can hear: Distant sounds, close sounds
2 things you can smell: Lotion, food, environment
1 thing you can taste: Gum, drink, mint
🧊 Physical Grounding
Ice in hands: Intense sensation pulls you present
Feet on floor: Press feet down hard, feel the ground
Hold something: Smooth stone, stress ball, textured fabric
Splash cold water on face: Shock to system
Strong smell: Peppermint oil, coffee, perfume
🗣️ Verbal Grounding
Say where you are: "I am [name], I am in [location], the date is [date], I am safe"
Describe your surroundings: Out loud, in detail
Count backwards: From 100 by 7s (requires focus)
Name categories: Countries, animals, colors – as many as you can think of
🎯 Mental Grounding
Math problems: Simple calculations that require thought
Alphabet game: Think of an animal/country/name for each letter
Poetry/song lyrics: Recite something memorized
Plan something: Detailed plan for meal, day, trip
💡 Create a grounding kit: Small box with: ice pack, strong mints, stress ball, favorite smell, smooth stone, photos of safe places, grounding technique cards. Keep it accessible for emergencies.
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Alternatives: Communicating Pain
📣 When You Need Others to Understand How Much You're Hurting
Sometimes self-harm is the only way pain feels "real" enough for others to take seriously. These alternatives communicate distress more effectively and safely.
✍️ Direct Communication
Write it down: Letter, email, text – sometimes easier than speaking
Use "I feel" statements: "I feel overwhelmed and need help"
Show this toolkit: Point to specific pages about what you're experiencing
Pain scale: "My emotional pain is 9/10 right now"
Metaphor: "I feel like I'm drowning" – sometimes metaphors convey what words can't
🎨 Visual Communication
Draw/paint feelings: Abstract art showing internal state
Collage: Images that represent your pain
Photos of safe things: Send to trusted person when struggling
Mood tracking app: Visual representation over time
💬 Reaching Out When It's Hard
Code word system: "I need you" = I'm not okay, please check in
Send pre-written message: "I'm struggling. Can you [specific ask]?"
Ask for presence, not problem-solving: "I need company, not advice"
Tell someone you trust: "I'm having thoughts of self-harm. I need support."
Building a Support Network
👥 Who Can You Reach Out To?
Trusted friend/family member: Someone who listens without judgment
Therapist/counselor: Professional trained in crisis support
Support group: Others who understand (online or in-person)
Online communities: Forums, Discord servers for mental health support
📱 Create emergency contact list: 3-5 people you can text/call when struggling. Include crisis hotlines. Keep it in your phone. Give yourself permission to use it.
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Creating Your Personal Safety Plan
📋 When the Urge Hits
Having a plan BEFORE crisis hits makes it easier to use alternatives when you're overwhelmed. Fill this out now, refer to it later.
My Safety Plan
My warning signs (I know I'm struggling when...):
My triggers (things that make urges stronger):
Alternatives I'll try FIRST (from this toolkit):
People I can contact (with phone numbers):
Safe places I can go:
Professional support I have:
Reasons I want to stay safe (even small ones):
If All Else Fails
If you've tried alternatives and the urge is still overwhelming:
1. Remove access to means. Get rid of or lock up anything you could use to harm yourself.
2. Call someone. Crisis line, trusted person, anyone.
3. Go somewhere public. Library, café, friend's house – harder to self-harm around others.
4. Delay 15 minutes. Set timer. Urges peak and pass. Ride it out.
5. Get professional help. Hospital if needed. A&E, crisis team, call 999/988. You deserve to be safe.
💜 You are not alone. Millions of people struggle with self-harm. Recovery is possible. Every moment you choose an alternative is a victory. Be proud of yourself for trying. You deserve support, safety, and healing.